I happen to be LOUD. I happen to have a naturally loud speaking voice, loud singing voice and an even louder drunk voice. I also have almost no filter, I say what’s on my mind no matter how crude or brash it may be. These are things I’ve come to know about myself. I have always had a boat load of confidence, not really sure where it came from but I’ve always been myself and shown it off no matter the social situation. Having said this, it doesn’t mean I’m accepted without question-especially by men. I’ve struggled my whole life trying to embrace my weirdness knowing it’s not necessarily attractive to the opposite sex. I love that I’m not the typical girl who just giggles shyly and agrees with anything a boy says OR who spreads my legs like butter at every opportunity presented to me. I do the opposite. At halloween or costume parties I opt for the fat man with a beard over the bunny with her tits out. When I meet people for the first time I may over share and mention that I can’t go out for a coffee date cuz it makes me shit within minutes (True. Turns out coffee is a diuretic. Why does no one mention this?!)
None of these are overly attractive qualities. So why must I continue to act in such a way?
This is what I know. People on the surface are often not always who they fully are on the inside. I understand there is a time and place, at work of course you have to be professional. What I don’t understand is why most people put on their “social personality”, put on a polite smile and not show who they are in public.
When I was dating my first boyfriend ever I pretended to LOVE Lord of the Rings, said I had read the books and it was my favorite even though I never had- just because it was HIS favorite.
(It actually is one of my favorite books and hands down favorite movie series NOW but that’s besides the point).
Why did I lie? I wanted him to like me. That’s a trivial example but in the past there are countless examples of where I changed parts of my personality so someone might like me more. I went through phases where I tried to be quiet and pretty. Calm and aloof. I did it because I thought it would make people like me more- not just men- everyone. I thought for a time if I could just change that part of my personality people would like me more. Problem was, I couldn’t do it! Every time I’m in a social situation, I like to talk. And talk. And talk. And be loud and tell ridiculously personal and funny anecdotes. It’s me. I’m an extrovert and I can’t hide it and frankly, I don’t want to. I could put on a facade and be someone else on the surface when I’m out and about but what good comes of it? I suppose temporarily not annoying people haha but when someone would get to know me they would realize that’s just not who I am. Maybe they would be surprised and unhappy to discover this extroverted side. Maybe they wouldn’t like my faux personality from the start and never take the time to get to know me better. I don’t know and I guess I’ll never know.
I suppose my point is if we were all more ourselves around each other I feel we’d be happier and healthier for it.
I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m crazy! Nut balls! Some people will never like me. That’s ok. Some people will love me. Even better.
At least I’ll be me and from the get go and anyone who meets me will know the real me too.
So when I stop writing this I’ll likely go play some music and sing really loud, then dance around my place a bit to some ridiculously way too pop music while I get ready, then I may go play with my dogs and make loud scream/yodeling noises so they howl with me LOL I know for a fact my neighbors can hear me. Know what? I don’t care!